Just How Big Are My Thighs?

November 18, 2008

A quick warning to those of you who’ve come here thinking this is some kind of porn site: turn back right now! Unless, of course, you’re into porn that features morbidly obese women with thighs the size of Texas. I’m not here to judge, I’m just sayin’.

That’s right, I said it. I’m super morbidly obese. I’ve admitted the problem — isn’t that supposed to be the first step toward recovery? I certainly would like to recover from the food addiction that’s plagued me for my entire life. The one that’s led to me, a 5’3″ woman, weighing 294 pounds.

Yikes! It really does suck to see the number written out like that. It even looks fat, doesn’t it, unlike a number like say, 111, which looks as slender as a person who weighs that. Still, I’m confident that I can turn that 294 into something lower. I don’t know if 111 is in my reach, but for now, I’ll settle for losing the first few lbs. and go from there. After all, I don’t have a choice. I’ve been up and down, up and down the scale for so long, my body is ready to murder me. If I want to add many more years onto my 34, I need to take care of this problem… yesterday.

My first step toward weight loss (again) is writing this blog. I’ve always kept journals — fhandwriteen from way before the blog craze hit — and they’ve helped me make sense of my life. Hopefully, this will do the same. I’ve been debating starting one for a while now, but what’s prompted me to finally begin is the heart attack my dad suffered this past weekend. He’s not fat; in fact, he’s in great shape, but I guess you just never know who’ll get one. The doctors say he’ll be okay, but it hit home for me how I’m a ticking time bomb when it comes to my health. I think my dad, who’s going to be 66 this week, is too young to die. I certainly think I’m too young, as well.

As I said earlier, this isn’t my first time trying to lose weight. All of the diets and I are old acquaintences: Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Nutra System, uh, starvation… I’ve tried them all. The two times I’ve been the most successful, I was on Weight Watchers, so I’m planning to do that program again. I like WW because a) if forces you to keep a food journal, which I desperately need to do and b) you can eat pretty much anything you want. Last time, though, I didn’t really work the program. I lost a lot of weight, but would work out just so I could gain activity points to eat more chocolate — which I’m pretty sure isn’t what you’re supposed to do. And yes, I know what foods are healthy. It’s just that when I’m stressed out or depressed, chocolate does it for me more than broccoli. This time, I’m going to do a combination of WW’s Core and Flex programs; which will have me eating plenty of fruits, vegetables and whole grains. I also plan to get back into exercising. Two years ago, I joined the gym across the street from our house and got into pretty good shape. My husband and I even completed a 20-mile charity walk. Then the gym closed and I joined another nearby one, which I hated. I slacked off… and the weight came creeping back ob. We recently purchased a Bowflex home gym, though, so I don’t have any excuses.

While I want to lose weight, one of my other main goals is simply to learn how to eat and exercise in moderation. I’ve always been an all or nothing person, especially when it comes to food. I’ve been chubby, borderline anorexic, bulimic and now morbidly obese, but only for a short time in my life have I ever been just average. I so want to be average — not too thin, but in good shape with nice curves. That’s not too lofty of a goal, right? Whoever thought being “normal” would take so much work, both mentally and physically?

Well, I’m off to make my healthy dinner of carrots, hummus and whole-wheat pasta. Mmm! Here’s to some good eating — and to good health.

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